Dish 9

"Why do you smell like a baby's butt dipped in champagne and vinegar?"

I look behind my shoulder to see monkey boy, wrinkling his nose. I turn back to my bedroom mirror and smooth down my collared shirt. No, it's not one of those nerdy ones. It's a Polo Ralph Lauren--that's spiffy stuff.

"I do not smell like a baby's butt dipped in champagne and vinegar. I don't even wanna know if you've actually smelt any combination of those things before. It’s called cologne for your information."

Broden steps around me and props his elbow up on my dresser.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

 I like keeping secrets, especially from Broden. Having an air of mysteriousness and coolness is key to maintaining control over younger siblings. Without it, your power is drastically diminished.

"Pssh. You never go out. Why can't you just tell me?" He stares suddenly at my reflection, giving it the evil eyes as if it will talk to him. What a sad, sad child. 

"Honey, are you sure Adem is coming? I can give you a ride to your party, " my mother calls out.

"Mom!"

"A party?" Broden exclaims, with a hungry undertone.

"Shut up," I say.

"Of course, Adem is coming! He's always my ride!" I shout back to my mother.

"How did you get invited to a party? Did one of them lose a bet and have to invite a loser?"

"I said shut up!"

"Excuse me, Zachariah?"

"No, not you, Mom!"

I want to strangle Broden. I already had a hard enough time getting my mother to let me go to this party. Non-nerd kids weren't to be trusted in her opinion. Other than Adem, he was my safety guy. He could float between both groups, so he was worthy of chaperoning my mother's fragile, sheltered son. Insulting her would only get her on her last nerve and mean sayanora to my Friday night plans. 

"Are there gonna be girls?" Broden says.

"Duh."

 If there weren't girls, then it wouldn't be a party, right? It would be more of a hangout, a get bro-gether... And Brian doesn't do those, at least not ones of this level. He's gonna have plenty of girls there, but the only ones I'm gonna have my eyes on are Katie and Susannah. I'm still kinda nervous about my prepared battle strategy to capture the princess and slay the fire breathing dragon and my stomach is beginning to feel like a bottled soda can.

I don't think listening to the advice of my AV Club at our weekly meeting made it any better.  Mark Shinsato is the only one who actually has a girlfriend, but that sure as heck doesn't mean he knows anything about girls. He thinks when a girl says she's "fine", that it's all cool. WRONG.
I learned that one easily  when I asked Kendra Larsson if she was okay at the lunch line and she said "fine." Her order composed of pre-packaged brownies, chocolate cookies, a pretzel and cheese and Twizzlers. She was also wearing a "Don't touch me or things will get ugly" t-shirt.
It also works just as bad in reverse, like when in fourth grade Stacy MayFlower asked if I liked her hair and I said "it looks fine." She got all the girls in class to join her in a personal vendetta against of me the rest of the year.
So the club consists of Mark Shinsato, Alexi Derevenko, Julian Santos, Vaughn Woodward and me. Yeah, I know it's all guys and there are only five of us. It's that darn Chess Club stealing all our good people! So this is how our meeting went down over Cheeto Puffs and Sour Patch Kids.
Me: So I'm going to a party tonight. 
Mark: What party?
Me: A Brian party. 
Vaughn: You're joking right
Me: No, I'm not.
Julian: How did that happen?
Mark: Adem obviously. He's like Zac's umbilical cord to the womb of the popular kids.
Me: Ew, he is not my umbilical cord. That is the worst analogy I've ever heard of.

Alexi: Zac's right, an umbilical is a useless structure that you just throw away. Adem is not useless; he is useful. I'd say he's more like a, a-

Julian:A fake ID!
Alexi:Brilliant!
Vaughn:What are you going to do there? You don't hang out with any of those people, Brian's people.
Me: I don't know exactly. That's what I wanted to talk to you guys about.
Mark: You came to us for advice?
Me: Well, I know we all don't really have that kind of relationship...
Alexi:What kind?
Me:I don't know, Alexi, that's my point. Look, I just wanted to hear some other thoughts. Ah, forget it.
Julian: No, we truly appreciate that you want our help. It's not everyday I get to tell someone what to do, well if you don't count the people I tutor for chemistry.
Vaughn: I can put into practice all the advice I learned from reading seven years worth of Dear Abby.
Alexi: That still exists? I thought she was dead?
Me:Anyways! I'm nervous about going because well obviously, I don't fit in with that crowd and there's this girl I like who will be there-
Mark: Niiice.
Me:-who has a boyfriend-
Mark: Not niiice.
Me:-and Adem invited this new girl who I hate and he has no clue that she's trying to make him her boyfriend...
Julian:Man, this is better than TV!
Me: I wish this was TV guys, but this is my life. I'm not used to this much drama. I'm supposed to be the one watching it happen to other people and helping them drown their sorrows in a fitting dessert. This is my first high school party ever and I have to deal with all this in one night. I don't know if I can do this, but I have to!
Mark: Are you going to tell us who this girl is that you like?
Me: No.
Mark: It would be very helpful in me knowing what to tell you-
Me: No.
Mark: Just tell me the first and last letter of her name-
Alexi: It doesn't matter who she is. You just have to play it cool, Zac. Every girl likes a guy who is just cool. And has an endless supply of Dentyne Ice.
Vaughn: Get some prepared conversation topics so you'll never be alone. And bring up some fake girlfriend so that it'll make your mystery girl really jealous.
Me:But I don't want her to be jealous. Then she'll think I'm taken and she will definitely not go out with me.
Julian: Just wear a wolf shirt. My sources tell me girls love wolves!
Mark: In like Russia. Dude, as a guy who actually has a girlfriend, I think I can give the most legit advice that is guaranteed to make your girl leave her boyfriend for you.
Me: Seriously?
Mark:Old Spice.

And with those words of wisdom, I am forced to attend a party I would never in my right mind go to.  I stick some ear plugs in my back pocket right before getting out the door and waving back to Adem sitting in his car on the driveway.

        

Dish 8

Cafeteria duty feels like a Sisyphean torture session today. Nothing anyone asks me makes sense. My anger clouds my judgment, so I have nothing to recommend to anyone. I can see Mrs. Chen’s distress that customers are moving through without purchasing

I give people regular soda instead of diet by mistake. I forget requests for bags of chips and extra sauce. I hand ultra-vegan, super-feminist Whitney a chicken wrap instead of a veggie-hummus wrap. Her outrage only slightly raises my mood. 

"What's wrong with you, chi-yul?" Mrs. Chen says, as I move behind her to get more ketchup packets.

"You're doing everything wrong. Where's your head? You're going to make us lose business!"

I grunt.

"Mrs. Chen, we are their only business. They can't go anywhere. They should just deal with it."

She shakes her head.

“Don’t have that attitude, chi-yul. I don’t take that from my husband and I know I’m not gonna take that from you. This is your job. You don’t like it. I say goodbye. NEXT!”
 “I say NEXT!” She waves her hand.

I frown and put up my plastic wrapped hands in surrender mode, until I realize she’s talking to the students in line. They move over to cash register. I sigh and open up a new box of pretzels. I wish I didn’t have to work here, but that would mean goodbye to my free lunches. Come on, suck it up, Zac. Suck it up. 

The blob of a line shows no familiar amber ponytail or piercing sea-green eyes. Where is she? 

I toss some ketchup packets in a tall senior’s plate of curly fries, when I hear a jingling and distinctive laugh.

“Oh mi gosh. No way! I seriously can’t believe you really work here! Your hat is wicked cute.”

I touch my head instinctively and narrow my eyes. Just the person I wanted to see. NOT. 

Susannah puts her hands one over the other and leans forward on the counter as if she’s at an ice cream shop. She’s wearing an exceedingly low neck shirt with weird silhouette of Scottish dogs and bagpipes stamped all over, along with a grey scarf around the side of her neck. Around her wrists are donut sized rust colored bangles. She better not point at anything.

“This is so weird that you’re taking orders from me, but it’s like a funny weird, you know?”

“What do you want?” I say blankly.

“Excuse me?”

“Food? What do you want?”

“Ohhh,” Susannah rubs her chin, while the students behind her pop their gum and text impatiently.

“Jeez, I am so indecisive. I always have brain farts when I need to make a decision. Since I’m new, can you tell me what’s good here? Get me the best deal, since we’re friends and all, right?” Susannah winks.

I wish the kid on the left of her playing rock paper scissors could jam his fist on the back of her head for an answer.

“Are we?”

“Well I would hope so,” she replies.

“We’ve got pizza, chicken wings, chow mein, salads are decent, avoid the chicken one though.”

“Uh huh-”

“Popcorn chicken, ham and cheese sandwich-” I could read out our menu in my sleep.

“Oo, I’ll have a garden salad and do you still have those chili cheese fries? That’s the special right?”

I look over my shoulder to check the tray.

“If you don’t care about waiting a few minutes.”

Susannah shakes her head, making her side ponytail whip the air.

“If they’re good, then it’s worth it to me!”

That’s what Katie used to say...

I shrug, so Susannah moves over to the side. She watches me intently as I warm up the chili and handle more orders.

“So I’m so psyched for that party tomorrow night at what’s his face. How are they here? My old school was so dead, but I’ve heard some good stuff about Ben Franklin,” she says.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh yeah, you’re not a partier. You’re a lone wolf, that’s right. Adem told me that.”

I roll my eyes and hand a kid a can of lemonade and hamburger.

“You seem to have connected to Adem real fast, haven’t you?”

She grins and fingers her fleur-de-lis ring.

“Well, I don’t know about that. He did invite me to the party and all. That’s pretty lucky of me to score on my first day here.”

Sure, if you like pity points. You’ll just look stupid for being a nobody at an A-crowd’s get together.

“But just in case it was a fluke thing to be nice, I’ve got this.”

Susannah pulls out a small white handkerchief from her bag. She unfolds it and inside is a silver ring and crumpled up rose petals.

“I did a little love spell yesterday,” she whispers, wiggling her eyebrows.

“You did what?”

“Uh, I wanted Cheetos, not Fritos,” a girl with way too much red blush interrupts.

“Hold on,” I say, putting my index finger up. I move over to Savannah.

“You did a love spell? On Adem? With a napkin, ring and flowers?” I hiss.

“And a piece of his hair. It’s supposed to be foolproof. ” 

She points to a curly strand from beneath the petals.

“I told him he had a piece of lint stuck in his hair, then I just pulled one out. He didn’t notice, since he has such thick, lush hair. Clever, huh?”
  
I massage my forehead. Why am I getting worked up about this? It’s not like this magic voodoo crap works. She’s a crazy, deranged person that thinks my rational, level headed best friend will fall for that stuff. I should be concerned for her mental health, not that it would actually make Adem feel attracted to her. There’s no such thing as magic...

“Uh, can I have my Fritos now? I don’t have time for you two to talk when I have to eat my lunch in less than 35 minutes,” Clown Girl interrupts.

I switch her chips out, almost throwing the Fritos bag at her.

“Zac, check the chili! You’re going burn it!” Mrs. Chen says.

I groan and open the chili cooker. I grab a carton of fresh fries, ladle a blob of steaming chili and sprinkle cheddar cheese on top. The aroma is so overwhelming, I almost forget I’m angry.

“Here,” I say, shoving it in front of Susannah.

“And my salad?”

I hand her the box with fork and napkin wrapped in plastic.

“You’re crazy, you know.”

“Am I? Don’t we all have our fantasies?” she say.

“You lied about wanting to go to Adem’s house just to watch soccer. You thought he was hot so you could hook up with him. Real smooth for a newbie.”

Susannah covers her mouth in mock horror.

“Hey now, hey now. Is that how you speak to girls, Zac?”

“To desperate, lying ones, sure.”

“Oh, we’re talking about lying now?” She dips her pinky finger into the chili cheese and licks it off.

“Just wanted to make sure you didn’t sneak anything funny in it, since I know you wouldn’t be able to answer truthfully.” 

I open my mouth to reply, when a short guy with an emerging mustache knocks on the countertop.

“Can I have a slice of pepperoni pizza? Actually, make that two,” he says.

I nod absentmindedly.

“Well I’m off!” Susannah places her love handkerchief back in her messenger bag, then picks up the salad and fries

“Lovely chatting with you, but I’m ravished! If there’s any problems with my food, you’ll be sure to hear about it. Or your boss will!”

She throws her head back and laughs while she walks away.

“Who’s that? A lady friend of yours?” Mrs. Chen says, dropping change into a student’s hand. She adjusts her giant eyeglasses up and down in what she probably thinks is suggestive and teasing. It has quite the opposite effect coming from her.  

“I can help you with some tips and tricks to impress her. My mother was a successful matchmaker, you know?”

“No thank you, Mrs. Chen. I know exactly how to deal with her.” 

If this was a horror movie, the director would cue the haunting music, I’d give a villainous cackle and the camera would slowly zoom into my squinty eyes. 

Fade to black.