Dish 9

"Why do you smell like a baby's butt dipped in champagne and vinegar?"

I look behind my shoulder to see monkey boy, wrinkling his nose. I turn back to my bedroom mirror and smooth down my collared shirt. No, it's not one of those nerdy ones. It's a Polo Ralph Lauren--that's spiffy stuff.

"I do not smell like a baby's butt dipped in champagne and vinegar. I don't even wanna know if you've actually smelt any combination of those things before. It’s called cologne for your information."

Broden steps around me and props his elbow up on my dresser.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

 I like keeping secrets, especially from Broden. Having an air of mysteriousness and coolness is key to maintaining control over younger siblings. Without it, your power is drastically diminished.

"Pssh. You never go out. Why can't you just tell me?" He stares suddenly at my reflection, giving it the evil eyes as if it will talk to him. What a sad, sad child. 

"Honey, are you sure Adem is coming? I can give you a ride to your party, " my mother calls out.

"Mom!"

"A party?" Broden exclaims, with a hungry undertone.

"Shut up," I say.

"Of course, Adem is coming! He's always my ride!" I shout back to my mother.

"How did you get invited to a party? Did one of them lose a bet and have to invite a loser?"

"I said shut up!"

"Excuse me, Zachariah?"

"No, not you, Mom!"

I want to strangle Broden. I already had a hard enough time getting my mother to let me go to this party. Non-nerd kids weren't to be trusted in her opinion. Other than Adem, he was my safety guy. He could float between both groups, so he was worthy of chaperoning my mother's fragile, sheltered son. Insulting her would only get her on her last nerve and mean sayanora to my Friday night plans. 

"Are there gonna be girls?" Broden says.

"Duh."

 If there weren't girls, then it wouldn't be a party, right? It would be more of a hangout, a get bro-gether... And Brian doesn't do those, at least not ones of this level. He's gonna have plenty of girls there, but the only ones I'm gonna have my eyes on are Katie and Susannah. I'm still kinda nervous about my prepared battle strategy to capture the princess and slay the fire breathing dragon and my stomach is beginning to feel like a bottled soda can.

I don't think listening to the advice of my AV Club at our weekly meeting made it any better.  Mark Shinsato is the only one who actually has a girlfriend, but that sure as heck doesn't mean he knows anything about girls. He thinks when a girl says she's "fine", that it's all cool. WRONG.
I learned that one easily  when I asked Kendra Larsson if she was okay at the lunch line and she said "fine." Her order composed of pre-packaged brownies, chocolate cookies, a pretzel and cheese and Twizzlers. She was also wearing a "Don't touch me or things will get ugly" t-shirt.
It also works just as bad in reverse, like when in fourth grade Stacy MayFlower asked if I liked her hair and I said "it looks fine." She got all the girls in class to join her in a personal vendetta against of me the rest of the year.
So the club consists of Mark Shinsato, Alexi Derevenko, Julian Santos, Vaughn Woodward and me. Yeah, I know it's all guys and there are only five of us. It's that darn Chess Club stealing all our good people! So this is how our meeting went down over Cheeto Puffs and Sour Patch Kids.
Me: So I'm going to a party tonight. 
Mark: What party?
Me: A Brian party. 
Vaughn: You're joking right
Me: No, I'm not.
Julian: How did that happen?
Mark: Adem obviously. He's like Zac's umbilical cord to the womb of the popular kids.
Me: Ew, he is not my umbilical cord. That is the worst analogy I've ever heard of.

Alexi: Zac's right, an umbilical is a useless structure that you just throw away. Adem is not useless; he is useful. I'd say he's more like a, a-

Julian:A fake ID!
Alexi:Brilliant!
Vaughn:What are you going to do there? You don't hang out with any of those people, Brian's people.
Me: I don't know exactly. That's what I wanted to talk to you guys about.
Mark: You came to us for advice?
Me: Well, I know we all don't really have that kind of relationship...
Alexi:What kind?
Me:I don't know, Alexi, that's my point. Look, I just wanted to hear some other thoughts. Ah, forget it.
Julian: No, we truly appreciate that you want our help. It's not everyday I get to tell someone what to do, well if you don't count the people I tutor for chemistry.
Vaughn: I can put into practice all the advice I learned from reading seven years worth of Dear Abby.
Alexi: That still exists? I thought she was dead?
Me:Anyways! I'm nervous about going because well obviously, I don't fit in with that crowd and there's this girl I like who will be there-
Mark: Niiice.
Me:-who has a boyfriend-
Mark: Not niiice.
Me:-and Adem invited this new girl who I hate and he has no clue that she's trying to make him her boyfriend...
Julian:Man, this is better than TV!
Me: I wish this was TV guys, but this is my life. I'm not used to this much drama. I'm supposed to be the one watching it happen to other people and helping them drown their sorrows in a fitting dessert. This is my first high school party ever and I have to deal with all this in one night. I don't know if I can do this, but I have to!
Mark: Are you going to tell us who this girl is that you like?
Me: No.
Mark: It would be very helpful in me knowing what to tell you-
Me: No.
Mark: Just tell me the first and last letter of her name-
Alexi: It doesn't matter who she is. You just have to play it cool, Zac. Every girl likes a guy who is just cool. And has an endless supply of Dentyne Ice.
Vaughn: Get some prepared conversation topics so you'll never be alone. And bring up some fake girlfriend so that it'll make your mystery girl really jealous.
Me:But I don't want her to be jealous. Then she'll think I'm taken and she will definitely not go out with me.
Julian: Just wear a wolf shirt. My sources tell me girls love wolves!
Mark: In like Russia. Dude, as a guy who actually has a girlfriend, I think I can give the most legit advice that is guaranteed to make your girl leave her boyfriend for you.
Me: Seriously?
Mark:Old Spice.

And with those words of wisdom, I am forced to attend a party I would never in my right mind go to.  I stick some ear plugs in my back pocket right before getting out the door and waving back to Adem sitting in his car on the driveway.